Recipe: Halloween Soup

I'm calling it that because this soup is orange to the power of three. Buttercup squash, carrots, and sweet potatoes. It's also freakishly healthy and hearty and full of fiber, with no added sugar (basically the opposite of that other standard Halloween fare—candy). I tried a new-to-me method of preparing the squash, since buttercups (they look like knobbly, smallish, dark green pumpkins) aren't built for peeling and cubing. Baking them takes longer and creates more dirty dishes, but the result makes it so worth it.

Hot damn, just look at that color! For NOM!

You'll need:

1 buttercup squash
2 large sweet potatoes (or 3 medium ones)
¼ stick butter
3 large carrots
5 cloves garlic
1 large onion
¼ tsp. cinnamon
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
lots of ground black pepper
lots of cumin or curry powder
1 qt. water
lots of salt

1. Preheat oven to 350° and lightly grease the bottom of a casserole dish.

2. Cut the squash into quarters with a cleaver or similarly big, dangerous knife. I found this physically challenging, so be careful, go slow, and don't slice a finger off. Scoop out the seeds and arrange the squash in the dish, skin-down.

3. Cut the sweet potatoes into ½-inch thick rounds and arrange those with the squash. Bake for about an hour, or until the squash and sweet potatoes are tender when poked with a fork.

4. While that's baking, melt the butter in the stew pot. Cut the carrots into strips or fairly thin medallions. Peel and chop the garlic. Chop the onion. Add all that to the butter, turning at medium-high heat until the onions are soft and clear (a couple minutes).

5. Switch the veggies to low heat and add the cinnamon, ground peppers, and cumin. Stir, then cover the pot and let simmer until the carrots are soft (20 minutes or more), stirring occasionally.

6. Once the squash and sweet potatoes are soft, remove them from the oven and let them cool for a half hour or so, until you can touch them without burning yourself. Allegedly, you can now peel the skin away from the squash, but I found this difficult, as the skin flaked off in uselessly small, messy bits. Instead, I used a large metal spoon to scoop and scrape the squash flesh from the skin. Dump that in the pot with the carrots et al. You can peel the skins from the sweet potatoes as well, but I left them on, for texture and nutrients. Add those to the pot as well.

7. Now that all the formerly hard ingredients are soft, bust out your blender. Combine the ingredients with the water in the blender and purée in however many batches it takes. Once it's all blended, dump it all back in the stew pot and stir it up.

8. Heat the soup (it sputters, so baby-sit it) and add salt to taste. Freezes well…not that you'll have any leftovers. It's crazy-tasty.

Enjoy! And happy Halloween!

Recipe: Make Your Own Croutons

Oh yeah, haute cuisine, I has it.

This all started because our new prospective roofer gave us a free loaf of bread. I scratched my head too, but apparently one of his clients works at a bakery, but the roofer doesn't eat white bread, so would we like it? Uh, sure. We don't eat white bread, either, but there we were suddenly with a loaf of it. What to do? Hey, we've got all these salad greens to eat—let's make croutons! It's really easy, and I didn't even do it quite right.

Here's what you do:

1. Procure a loaf of yeast bread. Any kind, practically—white, wheat, baguette, rolls, whatever.

2. Cut it into cubes, whatever size you prefer your croutons.

3. If it's not already stale and crusty, spread the cubes on a baking sheet and put them in a 300° oven for a few minutes, until they're dried out. The drier they are, the crunchier your croutons will be. I left mine with a bit of spring in them—I like just a bit of give in my croutons.

4. Lightly and evenly coat a frying pan or skillet with oil or butter. I suspect the best way to do this would be to use a big stove-top skillet and an olive oil mister, but I managed just fine with a wok and bottle. Turn the heat to medium-high.

5. Once the oil is heated (but not spitting) spread the bread cubes on it. Evenly sprinkle on your preferred seasonings—salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper, garlic powder, Parmesan cheese, anything really. Once the bottom sides are browned, flip the croutons over with a spatula, brown some more, and generally shuffle them around to distribute the seasoning and prevent burning. (You can also add the seasoning later, by putting the cooked croutons in a bag or Tupperware with the seasonings and shaking them—it's not rocket science.) The bread will brown quickly and likes to smoke, so do keep an eye on your pan or skillet.

6. Remove from the heat and let them cool completely, so you don't trap any excess moisture in the bag or container you store them in, which would wreck the crunch-factor.

And that's it! You may be surprised how much better homemade croutons are than store-bought ones. Definitely worth the minimal effort.

Recipe: Chocolate Chip Banana Bread

Ah, fall. It's finally cool enough to bake again, and comfy sweaters allow for a few pounds to be gained in the interest of recreational cookery. Here's the recipe for chocolate chip banana bread I've been using for years—really easy to make, maybe 15 minutes of prep and less than an hour of baking. Makes two loaves, for about twenty generous slices.

Photo credit to http://applestoorangesca.wordpress.com/

1 rounded cup sugar
1 stick butter, softened
Super-ripe bananas, 4 small or 3 large
2 eggs (cage-free organic if you want to go to heaven)
½ cup whole milk (or if you're like me and never have milk in the house, mix 2:1 half-and-half plus water)
1 tsp. vanilla extract (or lemon extract, and swap the chocolate chips for slivered almonds—nom)
2½ cups all-purpose flour
1½ tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda
12 oz. package chocolate chips (optional, really, but delicious—also try cranberries, blueberries, raisins, nuts, etc.)

1. Move the rack to the low position and preheat your oven to 350°. Grease the bottoms of 2 loaf pans.

2. In a large mixing bowl, mix the sugar and butter until smooth. I do it with a fork, but you could use an electric beater, too. If you're a wuss.

3. Add the peeled bananas, eggs, milk, and vanilla, and mix thoroughly.

4. Stir in the flour, salt, baking soda, and chocolate chips (not too thoroughly).

5. Split the batter between the 2 loaf pans and bake for 50 minutes, or until a toothpick or kebab skewer (or the tip of a sharp steak knife, if you, like me, don't own toothpicks or kebab skewers) stuck in the center comes out clean.

6. Let cool 5 minutes. Run a butter knife along the sides of the pans, to loosen the loaves. Gently turn out the loaves and let them cool under a clean cloth for 30 minutes, then store any extra bread you don't gorge yourself on in an air-tight container or plastic bag.

Recipe: Potatoes au Gratin

Not difficult, but messy and fairly time consuming. Also, supremely un-nutritious, as comfort food should be. Prep time 20 minutes, baking time 1 hour 5 minutes. Serves 4–6 as a side dish.

You'll need:
Unpeeled potatoes—20 new potatoes, or 4 big ones, or 6 medium, something like that
½ stick butter OR, ¼ stick butter plus the fat from frying 5 bacon rashers
1 small onion
1 tbsp. white flour
1¾ cups whole milk
2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 tsp. salt
½ tsp. garlic salt
½ tsp. paprika
1 tsp. red pepper flakes
1 tsp. ground black pepper
½ cup breadcrumbs or crushed up crackers
few shakes Parmesan cheese

1. Preheat the oven to 350°.

2. Slice the scrubbed, unpeeled potatoes into 1/8-inch slices and toss them in a large casserole dish.

3. Melt the butter—or, fry the optional bacon, remove the rashers once crispy and save for later, and then add half the butter. Finely chop the onion then cook it in the fat on medium heat until soft.

4. Add the flour, milk, 1½ cups of the shredded cheddar, salt, garlic salt, paprika, pepper flakes and pepper. Bring to a boil and keep boiling, stirring occasionally, for 1 minute.

5. Pour buttery-milky-cheesy sin mixture over the potatoes. Crumble bacon onto it all, if you bothered with the bacon. Turn well, and arrange the potatoes evenly in the dish.

6. Bake uncovered for 50 minutes, or until the edges are browning and the potatoes are soft when speared with a fork.

7. Mix together the remaining cheddar, the breadcrumbs, and the Parmesan, then sprinkle the mixture over the top of the casserole. Return to oven and bake uncovered for another ten minutes, until the top is nicely browned and crispy.

8. Let cool for 10 minutes, and serve.

Recipe: Butternut Squash Soup

Preparing a squash is kind of a pain in the ass, but man, is it worth it. Took me a little over an hour to make this recipe, and it serves 6–8.

Have I mentioned lately I'm not a food photographer?

You'll need:

4 tbsp. butter
1 butternut squash
5 new potatoes
1 medium onion
6 cloves garlic
1 qt. water
cumin
cinnamon
black pepper
salt

1. Melt the butter in a large stew pot.

2. Prepare the squash, by peeling it with a potato peeler. Cut it in half length-wise and scoop out the seeds with a spoon. Cut it into 1-inch cubes and toss them in the stew pot. Flex your aching wrist. Also cube the potatoes—I didn't bother peeling them, because their skins are thin and give the otherwise smooth soup some nice texture. Toss those in. Mince the onion and garlic and add those as well.

3. Set the burner on medium-high heat, turning all the ingredients in the butter and cooking/stirring until the onions are clear and the kitchen smells awesome (about five minutes).

4. Add enough water to just cover the ingredients (you can also use chicken or vegetable stock, but I didn't have any and the water worked just fine). Bring to a boil.

5. Reduce the heat to low and cover. Let simmer for 30–40 minutes, until the squash and potatoes are soft.

6. Purée the soft ingredients in a blender, then return them to the pot.

7. Keep the soup simmering, adding spices to taste. I used a LOT of cumin, a dash of cinnamon, a ton of black pepper, and quite a bit of salt. Serve.

8. Leftovers will keep for a few days in the fridge, and for ages in the freezer. Enjoy!

My Thirty-Third May

I feel as if I've barely blogged this month. I feel just slightly as if I've barely been conscious this month, actually, especially during that week and a half of non-stop rain and gloom. At the same time, I can't believe how much I've gotten done. I turned thirty-two on the second, and so far the thirty-third May of my life has been…all over the place.

As the month started, I'd just thrown in the towel on a third failed Blaze proposal, eyeballs-deep in a weird mix of frustrated / discouraged and liberated / hopeful. Two weeks after hearing I needed to put that last proposal out of its misery, I'd started and finished the next proposal (synopsis and first three chapters) and sent it off to my intrepid editor. I got a call about it just this past Friday while I was waiting in the train station—I'd gone into Boston for a physical and to get my possibly stress-fractured shin x-rayed. My editor wanted to see some deeper emotional insight in both the hero and heroine's initial opening POV scenes, and a stronger first couple paragraphs. Um, period.

Period?

Period! No changes requested on the spartan synopsis. No issues with either characters' conflicts or motivations. Nothing wrong with the hook, the setting, the premise. For reals?

Apparently, for reals. When I had what I'd cautiously hoped was a light bulb moment, chatting with senior Blaze editor Brenda Chin at the New England RWA conference, I prayed things might go this way. The last three proposals have missed the mark flagrantly and unsalvageably, though I thrashed and struggled as much as anyone could, trying to force them to work. Then at conference I finally gave myself permission to quit overthinking and overworking, overguessing the details of the overwrought plot, when I'm simply not an up-front plotter. I got the green light to explore a workable hook, and did just that, 100% chart-, graph-, and fourteen-page synopsis-free. It may not have scored a resounding, revisionless acceptance, but the writing process felt infinitely more organic and intuitive that the last few efforts, and I'm not surprised it garnered far fewer editorial misgivings.

This morning I finished (I hope) addressing my editor's concerns with the opening chapters, and sent the revised proposal back out into the ether. And she's encouraged me to keep working on the subsequent chapters, which can't be a bad sign. So keep those fingers crossed, if they haven't grown arthritic and mangled with your unwavering empathy. Maybe I'll have extra-good news to share soon. Maybe I'll even manage to make my second Blaze sale within a year of the first… For those with Doomsday clocks at the ready, set them to July 12.

May was also the month of no meat. This experiment, of all the Discipline Year self-imposed challenges I've yet tackled, was far and away the easiest and the most fun. The only temptations came during family barbecues, and I resisted with little angst. Otherwise I had a blast rediscovering an interest in cooking. I always enjoy cooking, but in the past year or two I'd gotten to a point where I simply recycled the same half-dozen dinner standards over and over. Meat-Free May was a great excuse to try out new dishes. In fact tonight I'm making that African stew again, so my repertoire of regulars has expanded! And of course, my life will no longer be complete without tempeh making the occasional appearance.

I didn't lose or gain any weight, so no revelations on that front.

My husband suspects that, in part, my unnaturally long blue spell (nearly two weeks' funk) in the latter half of the month could be linked to the decreased protein intake. I'll buy it. It was also rainy and I had PMS and was dealing with stupid social media melodrama angst and was uncertain about my proposal, but I rarely stay bummed that long without something else going on, so perhaps he's on to something.

Still, I'm in no rush to bring the meat back. I'll be excited to order seafood at my favorite restaurants once more, and it'll be nice to toss chicken in with the stir-fry, but I haven't missed meat all that much. Doesn't hurt that I have a broad-palated partner with West Coast ideals, either. The entire household went veggie this month, at least at home. Thanks, manfriend!

Next month was supposed to be No Java June, when I go coffee-free (if not caffeine free—tea was to still be kosher) but I think I'll switch it up. All things going well, I may be on deadline, and that is not the time to volunteer for chemical withdrawal. So I'm likely going to swap June and July and go sugar-free for the next month. Anyhow, more on that tomorrow.

Despite the possible stress fracture, which is keeping me from running, May has been a great month for exercise. Lovely spring temperatures for my daily walks, plus we've been cycling a couple times, hiking even more, and at long last I got my shit together and rearranged my room, making it yoga-friendly again. Unless you're talking to someone who's practiced and enjoyed yoga themselves, it's hard to say how powerful and awesome it is without sounding like a self-satisfied hippie-dippy douchebag. So I won't ramble, but since I got back to hardcore stretching before bedtime in the last week or so, I've slept better, felt better, blah blah blah. Go yoga.

Back to work! Hoping to finish my evil conjoined erotica-writing twin's edits quickly, so I'll have time to indulge in a beer and last night's Bachelorette episode before chores call me to wifely duty. Enjoy the final day of May! Or if you're already in June when you read this, don't tell me what happens. I hate spoilers.

Recipe: Marinated Tempeh Sandwiches

My thanks to my Twitter pal Ruthie Knox for the basis of this recipe. If you're not familiar with tempeh (pronounced "tem-pay") here's what Wikipedia has to say about it: Tempeh is a traditional soy product originally from Indonesia. It is made by a natural culturing and controlled fermentation process that binds soybeans into a cake form, similar to a very firm vegetarian burger patty.

Photo credit to ifood.tv

For the "meat" of the sandwich you'll need:

1 8 oz. package tempeh (available in many major grocery and natural food stores)
¼ cup soy sauce
¼ cup water
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
½ tsp. garlic powder
dash chili powder

Plus your choice of toasted sliced bread, hamburger roll, wrap, etc.

Plus your choice of condiments.* I recommend:

ripe avocado, sliced
cheddar cheese, sliced
brown mustard
sprouts
tender greens (I like baby spinach)
oven-roasted tomatoes from that pesto quinoa recipe
any other thing you fancy

1. Preheat oven to 425°.

2. To prepare the tempeh: cut into fish-stick-sized slices, cutting diagonally for maximum surface area. (I got about 18 slices out of my package.)

3. Create a marinade by mixing soy sauce, water, and spices in a medium baking dish. Add tempeh slices, coating with marinade and arranging so each slice is equally submerged in the dish.

4. Bake uncovered for 8 minutes.

5. Drain excess marinade and serve slices on your choice of toasted bread with whatever condiments float your boat.

6. Store extra tempeh in fridge for future sammiches.

* The manfriend and I did a taste test this evening, and the winning combo was toasted sprouted bread with the marinated tempeh, avocado, a bit of cheddar, roasted tomatoes and pesto. A lot of garnish, but it really worked—cool avocado, hot spices, sweet tomatoes, savory pesto, sharp cheese. Nom.

Recipe: African Stew (bastardized)

Thanks to my cousin for the recommendation! I've adapted this excellent recipe, meant for a slow-cooker, for a regular old stew pot. It's vegan-friendly and only requires one pot and a cutting board! Serves 4–6, depending on appetites.

1. Overnight, soak:

• 1 cup dried kidney or red beans

…in a stew pot. The next day, drain soaked beans and re-cover with water. Bring to a boil then reduce to simmering for 60–90 minutes, or until soft. Drain.

2. While beans are cooking, chop the onion and garlic, peel and cut the sweet potatoes, chop the pepper, and grate the ginger from Step 4.

3. In the stew pot, combine:

• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 4 cloves garlic, finely chopped

…and sautée for five minutes, stirring occasionally.

4. Add to pot:

• 3 cups peeled sweet potatoes, cut into ½-inch cubes
• 1½ cups vegetable broth
• 1 red bell pepper, chopped
• ½ cup water
• ½ tsp ginger (powdered or grated fresh)
• 1½ tsp salt
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• ¼ tsp black pepper
• 1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoes
• 1 can (4 oz) chopped green chilis

…and bring to a boil, then reduce to medium-low heat and simmer for an hour, or until veggies are soft.

5. When ready to serve, stir in:

• 3 tbsp creamy natural peanut butter

6. Serve in bowls, topping with:

• 1 tbsp chopped roasted peanuts
• 1 wedge lime for squeezing

Recipe: Pesto Quinoa with Tofu

This recipe was based on Heather's Quinoa Recipe from the 101 Cookbooks blog—thanks to my faithful beta reader Amy for the suggestion!

Wow, my first new recipe in ages…inspired by the necessity that Meat-Free May be an excuse to try new things, instead of just removing the animal bits from my usual dinner standards. This recipe has a lot of steps, but it's not too tricky. Took me 45 minutes to prep and cook. Serves 2–3.

There is a reason I'm not a food photographer.

You'll need:

½ cup grape tomatoes (a dozen or so)

1 tsp olive oil

½ tsp brown sugar

few shakes salt
- - - -
½ cup brown rice
½ cup quinoa
- - - -
1½ cups firm tofu, cut into cubes
½ tsp olive oil
salt
1 shallot, finely chopped
½ cup corn
1 cup spinach, finely chopped
⅓ cup pepitas (or pumpkin seeds)
½ cup pesto

1. Roast the cherry tomatoes: heat oven to 350°. Slice tomatoes into halves. Mix 1 tsp olive oil with ½ tsp brown sugar and a few shakes of salt. Toss tomatoes thoroughly in mixture then lay them all cut-side-up in a baking dish. Bake for 45 minutes, until they're shrunken and sweet.

2. While tomatoes are baking, prepare the grains by bringing the rice and 2 cups water to a boil, then reduce to simmering. Cook rice for fifteen minutes then add quinoa and cook for another ten minutes, until grains are tender. Drain any excess water.

3. Also while the tomatoes bake and the grains simmer, brown the tofu: pan-fry the cubes in olive oil until they're golden brown, then set aside.

4. In a large pan or skillet, heat olive oil, salt, and shallot over medium high heat, stirring for two minutes. Stir in the prepared rice and quinoa, corn, spinach, and pepitas, and cook until hot and sizzling. Add salt to taste.

5. Remove pan from heat and thoroughly stir in pesto, then gently fold in the browned tofu. Serve topped with roasted tomatoes.

Meat-Free May

Thank fucking Christ, April is over and I can swear again! We all knew No #$%@&! April wasn't about me simply not swearing, but rather catching myself when I inevitably did, and so there had to be a punishment for failure, as failure was a foregone conclusion. I promised to pony up one dollar per swear and said I'd donate it to charity at the end of the experiment. The grand total came to $59, so that's basically two accidental swears per day…doesn't sound so bad, yet I can't believe I ever thought I'd have to enforce a $25 minimum. I decided to round it up to a tidy $75, which I just this morning donated to the ACLU. Kind of a weird choice, giving my punishment fees for uttering certain words to an organization that's so into protecting such rights as freedom of speech, but there you go.

And now onward to May, the Discipline Year month during which I can't eat meat (including no eggs or seafood…why do people not seem to count fish as animals?) I'm keeping dairy, at least for now…I may or may not have given myself a stress fracture, so I'll take all the calcium I can get. Plus I love my half and half. If I get ambitious in the second half of the month, perhaps I'll try to finish May off the vegan way.

My birthday is tomorrow, and I was loathe to miss out on my annual baked scallop dinner, so the manfriend and I did that last weekend. Check. This afternoon we're heading to our cousins' place to watch the Celtics (go Ray!) kick off their second round of the NBA playoffs against the Heat, and I'll get to watch everyone eating barbecued chicken—charred just the way I like it by the he-cousin—while I fill up on corn and salad.

But charred chicken denial aside, I think it'll actually be a fun month. Great excuse to try new foods and recipes and expand my dinner repertoire.

Just for kicks, I thought I'd weigh myself before and after the experiment, to see if I either a) lose weight from eating more veggies or b) puff up from eating tons of carbohydrates. As of this morning, I'm a very typical-of-me 142.2 pounds. I'll let you know of any shocking fluctuations at the end of the month. Meanwhile, if you've got any kick-ass vegetarian recipes, feel free to send them my way!

Recipe: Dinner Rolls

Oh look, so light they hover eerily above my kitchen floor!

Well, French bread dough, basically—make it into any shape you like! Not a tricky recipe, though it does require some waiting between various stages and a bit of a bitchy clean-up. Makes 8 rolls, or 2 small baguette-style loaves.

In a large bowl stir:
1 packet active dry yeast
1 tsp. sugar
¾ cup warm water

Let sit for ten minutes. It should look creamy when it's ready. Then stir in:
1 tsp olive oil
½ tsp salt
1 cup white flour

Once mixed, gradually mix in another cup of white flour, until the dough starts pulling away from the sides of the bowl. Sprinkle flour over your counter or cutting board, and knead dough spiritedly for about five minutes—until it's nice and elastic and smooth. Add more flour to the surface as needed if dough becomes sticky during kneading.

Lightly oil a clean bowl and turn the dough inside it to coat. Cover the bowl with a damp cloth and let it sit in a warm spot, such as next to a radiator, for about 1 hour, or until dough has doubled in size.

Punch the dough down on a lightly floured surface, then divide and form dough into 8 equal balls for rolls (or 2 long ovals for loaves). Space them evenly on a lightly oiled baking sheet and cover again with a damp cloth, and leave them to rise one last time, about 30 minutes, or until they've doubled in size.

Preheat oven to 400°.

Remove cloth and use a sharp knife to cut a slash or an X onto the tops of the rolls (just for looks). Place baking sheet on the oven's middle rack. Bake rolls 10–15 minutes, until golden brown. Loaves will take longer—not sure how much longer, as I've never made them with this recipe, but I'd estimate about 25 minutes.

These go great with a bastardized caldo verde soup recipe I plan on sharing later this week. Enjoy!

Recipe: Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Photo stolen and misrepresented with my 

thanks to theveganfoodie.wordpress.com

Mutated from my Unbeatable Chocolate Chunk Cookies recipe and made more autumntasticals.

Preheat oven to 325°.

Use a mixer or a strong hand with a fork in it to thoroughly blend:
2 sticks softened butter (definitely not margarine)
1 cup packed brown sugar
½ cup white sugar

Then thoroughly stir in:
1 tsp. vanilla extract (or facsimile)
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. ginger
2 large eggs
½ tsp. salt
1 rounded tsp. baking soda

Then stir in by hand:
1 cup raisins (or dried cranberries, or a mix)
2½ cups white flour
1 cup quick oats

Drop onto ungreased cookie sheet in cotton ball-sized blobs…I usually get a dozen or so on a standard sheet. Bake for about 7–10 minutes, or until just golden brown. Remove from sheet once cool and store in an air-tight container. Any unused dough can be frozen for later, or used to bribe strangers into performing degrading chores around your house.

Recipe: My Unbeatable Chocolate Chunk Cookies

Preheat oven to 325°.

Use a mixer or a strong hand with a fork in it to thoroughly blend:
2 sticks softened butter (definitely not margarine)
1 cup packed light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar

Then thoroughly stir in:
1 tsp. vanilla extract (or facsimile)
2 eggs
½ tsp. salt
1 rounded tsp. baking soda

Then stir in by hand:
3 or 4 good quality dark chocolate bars chopped up with a cleaver into small chunks, about 14 oz. (personally I like using ¾ of a Trader Joe's Pound Plus 72% dark chocolate bar, in the red wrapper)
2¾ cups white flour

Drop onto cookie sheet in cotton ball-sized blobs…I usually get about a dozen on a standard sheet. Bake for about 6–8 minutes, or until just golden brown. Remove from sheet once cool and store in an air-tight container. Any unused dough can be frozen for later, or used to bribe loved ones into demeaning themselves for your amusement.