Mike Myers presents…

Remember a couple of weeks ago when everyone's favorite one-man blog harem stopped by to announce his intentions to pen an entry for our chapter's unpublished writers' contest? Well, wouldn't you know it, Mike's got an update for us! And make no mistake, he's earned the title of High Exalted Procrastinator yet again…

PART III: Contest Edition! 

Welcome to a special Procrastinator’s Guide to Writing—Contest Edition! My local RWA chapter holds an annual First Kiss Contest for unpublished writers. I’ve submitted each of the past two years and have yet to final. “How can that be?” you are probably asking yourself, right? The answer could be anything from getting assigned judges who were just having bad days (doubtful), the writing wasn’t up to snuff (likely) but I’m guessing the biggest culprit is that for two years running I’ve waited until the last possible day submissions are accepted to put pen to paper and write the darned things. And surprise, surprise, here we find ourselves at our Third Annual What Do You Mean the Submission Is Due Today? Day.

Some of you might suggest I blow the contest off but that’s just not an option. First of all I committed to entering, and while I am notoriously unreliable in keeping personal deadlines, I’d like to think that when I commit to someone other than myself I come through in most cases. Secondly I am entering because the contest is run by great friend Jennie Brown and it would be criminal of me not to take advantage of the opportunity her hard work (as well as that of the volunteer judges) provides. Third reason for putting myself through this? Because I really, really would like to final one of these times. And yes, I realize it would seem if I really wanted to final so badly I’d put a little more effort into crafting my entry. The issue is that putting that much effort into a single aspect of my book would run counter to my current “just write it and worry about it later” mindset, or at least that’s the justification I’m using, so please just indulge me this one delusion.

Okay, so you’ve been brought up to date. I’m off to work where I’ll brainstorm during the commute and start writing during my lunch break. By then we’ll be down to about twelve hours until the submission deadline having yet to write word one of my entry. Hope the muse has her thinking cap on.

* * *

Deadline—12 hours: Lunchtime at work. Had a co-worker pick up an Italian sub so I wouldn’t have to go out myself and therefore can use the entire thirty minutes writing (hey, you don’t get this kind of inside info in just any blog post). Wish me luck. (BTW, has anyone seen my muse milling about? She was supposed to meet me here ten minutes ago. Lazy good for nothing <inaudible grumbling and questionable cuss words omitted>...

Deadline—9 hours: Operation Lunchtime/Crunchtime Writing session didn’t go as smoothly as planned (I know, who’d have thunk it) as an emergency came up at work that’s kept me busy until now. So as of this minute, Hours Remaining: 9  Words Written: 0

I have to admit I’m not all warm and fuzzy on the productivity front thus far. And on another side note, should I be worried that I found a picture of my muse on the side of my lunchtime milk carton? That can’t be good. Oh well, let’s give this another shot. Well hello blank page...we meet again.

Deadline—3 hours: Better progress on Lunchtime/Crunchtime Take 2. Words were actually written which I’m assuming is an improvement over my earlier attempts of utter failure, so now I have a couple hundred words to get me started. Kids are finished fighting (please let them be finished fighting) and watching a movie. Dinner is ready and a quick TP run to the market (we were down to half a roll) has been crossed off the to do list. Time to get cracking. Down to one hundred and eighty minutes to get this puppy in the Sent Mail folder.

Deadline—2 hours: I’m actually happy with the progress so far. Miss Muse decided to stop by for a visit after all and since I was too focused on deadline to ground her for abandoning me earlier today I let her go about her business and assist in transforming my drab pile of monosyllabic words just the slightest bit more interesting. Had to take a break to put the kiddos to bed. I read them part of the scene and they laughed in all the right places, so that’s got to be a good sign, right? Now back to work.

Deadline—1 hour: Starting to get a tad worried. I think I can tie it all together but I just remembered there’s also an entry form to fill out as well as a set-up page to write. This is going to be tough. Can’t stop now, gotta write...

Deadline passed: Wow, what a wild and crazy three hours that turned out to be. In the end I finished the scene, with a whole seven minutes to complete the entry form and write the overview leading up to the scene. In the end I e-mailed it at the very last minute. Can’t procrastinate any better than that right? Or maybe, “Can’t procrastinate any worse than that” would be more appropriate.

For those of you who enter contests in the future, please let this be a lesson to you. Mark the deadline for the contest on your calendar, then schedule dates for each part of the creation process. First draft, read-through, second draft, read-through, polishing, feedback, and for heaven’s sake make sure you have the paperwork and set-up sheet filled in before the clock’s striking midnight. My heart is still racing.

Whew, mine too. Whenever I read Mike's posts I get violent flashbacks to that opening scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Watch out for those angry natives, Mike. As always, everyone be sure to follow and stalk Mike on Twitter @MikeMyersWriter. Harass and distract him ad nauseum, because as we know, it's what he loves best.

Mike doing what he does best…

…procrastinating like hell then signing himself up for extra credit assignments that border on masochism. Now that's a writer! Without further ado, please welcome Mike Myers for a quickie guest post.

Okay, special treat for everyone today. The New England Chapter of Romance Writers of America is holding their annual First Kiss Contest. The deadline had been extended until October 15th at midnight, which is tonight. So in true procrastinator style I put off writing the scene as long as possible. Now I've awakened to discover that the entry is due today and I've written nothing. And of course this couldn't be on a kid-free weekend where I can focus on writing ten pages and getting it out the virtual door (don't you love the invention of the e-mail submission?). No, today is a work day, and a Friday no less. On top of that it's a kid night to boot so I have my work cut out for me.  So what would anyone with any common sense do on a day like this? Why add a little more onto the pile of course, so not only will I be writing and editing a contest submission from scratch, but I'll be writing a companion article on it as well to share with my Procrastinator's Guide readership (yup, all eight or so of you).

Here's my challenge to all of you. If you're an unpubbed newbie like myself, head on over to http://www.necrwa.org/kisscontest.html and enter the contest as well. Chances are you probably already have the scene written, and even if you don't, you're in the same boat as me except without an article to write. I'm throwing down the gauntlet. You don't want some talentless hack (and a guy no less) to have any legitimate shot at finaling in a contest with a submission he threw together at the last minute, right? (Hey, it could happen.) So get motivated, roll up your writing sleeves, polish up that first kiss scene, search the couch cushions for the $15 entrance fee and make sure you check back later for a recap on how my own Contest-a-palooza Day of Joy turned out. And remember, don't put off until tomorrow that which can be put off even longer.

Mike Myers presents…

PART II: The euphoric first chapter…now what? 

First I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time to provide both the positive feedback and constructive criticism on my initial installment of The Procrastinator's Guide. I’ll go under the assumption that my being invited to write a second post is a positive sign, as opposed to the alternative that you're all masochists looking for the literary equivalent of nails raked across a chalkboard.

I’m surprised at how much I’ve struggled in choosing this month’s topic. As I touched on last month, I’ve certainly submarined my fledgling writing career enough over the years to provide a plethora of topics to cover. Distractions, self-defeating behaviors, lack of motivation, popcorn cravings...each begging to be explored, yet still I was stuck. I had to choose the perfect topic or I’d lose any momentum I created and lose anyone interested enough to give my next effort a try.

Hmmm. Something about this scenario stinks of familiarity. You see, several years ago I wrote the first chapter for my first attempt at a romance novel, and it was years before I wrote the first line for Chapter Two. How did this happen? Let’s take a closer look.

Immediately upon finishing the first draft of Chapter One and desperate for some instant gratification, I fired it off to some published friends to get their opinion. For me, this was a bad decision. Maybe you’re a more disciplined writer than I (call me crazy but I’m assuming that is the case) and you would have continued on your merry way regardless of the resulting feedback. For the flighty among us however, sending our golden prose out for comment provides little chance of a happy ending. As I see it now (isn’t hindsight awesome?) there were three possible outcomes.

The first was that their feedback would be negative and my fledgling writing ego (about half the size of a grain of rice) would be crushed, possibly beyond repair, and I’d find myself shunned and friendless. The second possibility was that they would declare me the next great American novelist, bury me beneath oodles of accolades and beg me not to change a single word (wasn’t exactly holding my breath on this possibility). The third and most likely outcome would be receiving guarded to genuine optimism, some encouragement and perhaps a few suggested edits that would be obvious to an accomplished writer.

Like most, I received what was hiding behind door number three, and instead of moving on to Chapter Two I went back and revised Chapter One. I was editing. That’s what real authors do, right? I would get to Chapter Two as soon as I could get Chapter One perfect. Are you shaking your head and judging me? In my defense I realize now that it was a poor decision. If my mistake isn’t obvious to you, ask yourself this: how long do you think it takes to get perfection in your writing, especially when you’re just starting out? If you know I’d love to hear the answer.

So forever I dwelled in a purgatory where my lonely chapter was edited, tweaked, modified [feel free to insert your own variation of making changes without any real progress here] until I began to hate Chapter One with a deep loathing usually only reserved for one's in-laws.

It was time to move on, but by that time I had zero forward momentum to carry me into Chapter Two and beyond. There was also the case that Chapter One was now in pretty decent shape (it had better be after all that time) and since I hadn’t been writing, Chapter Two would be less than stellar as a first draft.  It’s these little things that can shake your confidence and make it that much easier to put off writing for just another day.

My advice to anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation? Write Chapter One. Enjoy the euphoria of starting a new project and creating characters and situations from nothing but your imagination. Embrace the unknown of what lies ahead for both yourself and your characters and get started on writing Chapter Two. Do not pass Go, do not seek external validation, and do not let distractions or fear keep you from taking at least one step each day towards bringing your dream closer to becoming a reality.

Bonus Distraction of the Month
Like most procrastinators, even when I'm at my diligent best, my subconscious remains on the lookout for the latest shiny object to sabotage my efforts. I thought it might be fun to point out the most interesting such distraction each month. Many are legitimate, but if they keep me from hitting my writing goal, I need to make a conscious decision on how to best deal with them. This month’s distraction was brought to me indirectly by Charles Dickens.

Over the past few years my daughter has been trying out for a role at a local theatre group without success. At the latest try-out for this season’s production of A Christmas Carol, my daughter pointed out the many adults also trying out for parts. Giving her dad undeserved credit, she begged me to give it a shot. Since I’m a theatre junkie and there were more than enough people with actual talent (I listed "Singing in the Car" and "Audience Member" under the Previous Theatre Experience section...true story) I thought it would be fun to go through an audition risk free. At the least I’d have a nugget for a future story, at most I’d get a minor bit part. What I didn’t expect was a phone call offering me the part of Bob Cratchet, complete with a commitment to attend rehearsals 6:30-9:00pm three nights a week for the next three months. Prime writing time gone just like that. Poof.

So, if anyone has suggestions on how to write while sleeping, wants to share their past bizarre distractions, or just wants to see a fellow NEC-RWA member give a rendition of Bob Cratchet never envisioned by Charles Dickens, drop me an e-mail. I’d love to hear from you. Until then keep writing, don’t look back, and we’ll both be that much closer to writing The End.

All that and you still found time to keep us up to date on your journey? I'm sure we'll all agree you don't give yourself enough credit, Mike. And as always, everyone be sure to follow and harass Mike on Twitter @MikeMyersWriter. Then when he's the next big thing you can say, "I stalked him way back when…"

Mike Myers presents…

No, not that Mike Myers, and not the one in the hockey mask. This Mike Myers is far more illustrious than those nobodys. To start with, he's the only member of my regional RWA chapter with boy parts. Oh and incidentally, single ladies, Mike [along with his boy parts, I can only assume] is available! Please inquire within.

I edit my chapter's newsletter, and Mike recently offered to write a monthly column on the topic of the yet-to-published writer's journey, as told by someone currently mired in its gnarly undergrowth. I gratefully accepted the article and wasted no time in strong-arming him [note to the aforementioned single ladies: he put up very little resistance] into letting me serialize his ongoing experiences here on the Super Lucky #1 Fun Blog as well. So without further ado, I'll turn it over to Mike.

PART I

I received flak at a recent NEC-RWA meeting for using a childbirth analogy to discuss writing my first book. The premise being that much the same as nature smooths out the vivid edges of just how painful, stressful and frightening giving birth to a first child can be, most writers don’t accurately remember how helpless and riddled with self doubt they were before they finished their first manuscript. Of course they remember the events along the way, and that much of it was unpleasant, but those are memories viewed through the filter of time and the distraction of holding their baby (or manuscript) in their arms.

That I’m obviously not an expert on either subject (I have yet to finish a manuscript and my baby making parts are of the male variety) played a small part in any backlash, but the larger issue voiced was how no one is immune to writing’s ability to humble and terrify. We’re in agreement on that, and it’s not my intention to belittle anyone else’s struggles. My point was that, regardless of what emotions a published writer goes through, the wannabe doesn’t have that “I did it once, I can do it again” mental safety net. Published writers have their own level of hell to face that’s neither better nor worse than the one inhabited by the newbie writer, but it is different.

Hopefully, beyond serving as a trip down Nostalgia Lane for those who have already traveled this path, this exercise can serve as a hand holding step-by-step journey down one writer’s pursuit to finish his first manuscript. I’m guessing the same doubts, questions and fears I face will be familiar to you.

For some background on my journey thus far we go in the way-back machine to January of 2005, when I decided to pursue my dream. I devoured books on writing and joined several online discussion groups. Later that summer, I attended my first writing conference. Since then I’ve read countless how-to books, attended more than fifteen writing conferences from Kingston, RI, to Salt Lake City, UT, to San Francisco, CA. I’ve had 3 a.m. drinks with NY Times bestselling authors, talked books with Stephen King, crashed publisher parties to sit beside Nora Roberts, switched genres from horror to romance, made some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and I talked.

Ah yes, the sign of the true procrastinator. We can talk the talk like nobody’s business. I’ve talked my way through pitches with publishers and agents, getting requests my friends would kill for. I’ve talked my way through an entire book, talking so much that by the time it was all plotted I was so sick of it I moved on to another book without ever writing the first.

I talked so much that soon my friends and family couldn’t ask “How’s that book coming?” without an accompanying eye roll. It happened so often I started checking the ceiling to try and find what everyone kept looking at. I fully admit that I’m a borderline idiot, but eventually even I realized what was happening. My friends and family had lost all faith that I’d ever do more than just “talk” about the book. That was okay because I had no faith in myself. Zero. Nada. And why? Was it because I couldn’t write? I’d like to think not. In five years I was able to produce a handful of chapters I’m proud of.

Okay, maybe the issue was that my story ideas sucked eggs. I’d like to think that wasn’t the case. Agents and publishers have appeared enthusiastic with my pitches, commenting on the mix of conflict and humor in my plot. My published friends get frustrated because they want to read my story, if I’d only write it.

So what’s the problem? I’m lazy. I have zero willpower. I’m a procrastinator. I knew I’d never finish a book because I can always find something else requiring my attention—usually something superficial and therefore less painful. I had zero hope I could change, but kept talking, hoping something would shake me out of my rut and force a change.

That time for change has arrived.

It’s easy to not write. Maybe the kids need my attention, or that new television show I recorded needs to be watched. And there’s always the job, right? Yes, I know all the tricks. In the end I’m only using them for one reason—because I am afraid. I’m afraid I’m not good enough, that the finished book won’t be good enough, that if by some miracle the first book is a hit the second will flop and I’ll be proved a fraud.

The “I’ll start my book as soon as…” scenario is a slippery slope for us newbies. For me it started that first day with “All I need is the right book to get the basics down and then I’ll write my bestseller.” So off I went to the bookstore, returning with my armful of self-help books. Unfortunately, they were most helpful at giving me my first excuse to not write…yet.

Next I wasn’t inspired. Surely I couldn’t write my masterpiece if I was tired, or grouchy, or had a rumbly tummy. I’m sure Nora doesn’t work on a rumbly tummy, right? (Actually I think she does.) So I waited for Miss Muse to come settle on my shoulder, whisper in my ear and words would pour onto my screen as smoothly as hot butter over popcorn. That thought would start a popcorn craving so I’d head to the movies because everyone knows movie popcorn is the best. And if by the time I returned home I was too tired to write that was okay because there was always tomorrow.

That’s the biggie. There’s always a tomorrow to work on your book. The problem is, string too many tomorrows together and you’re left with countless yesterdays spent chasing pursuits less important to you than writing. How crazy is that?

A fair question would be whether this series of articles is my latest form of procrastination. To make sure that’s not the case, my writing mentors have me on a strict daily word count. Any time spent on this project will be above and beyond that total.

Now let’s get started. If I can do this, then so can you. I work fifty hours a week at the day job with a second job as well. I share joint custody of my eleven-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son, each with full social and sports calendars. Don’t tell me you’re not ready. I have no more insight or inspiration to start than any of you. Remember we’re both going into this together and if, as writers, we do our jobs we’ll both make it to our destination. I believe that.

From now on there’s no more talking unless there are words written to talk about. To paraphrase pieces of advice given by Nora Roberts as well as super friend Marie Force, it’s time to put our butts in the chair, our fingers on the keyboard and make the magic happen. No excuses. Are you with me?

I'm with you, Mike! Can't wait to have you back next month and hear how it's going. I must say, for a self-proclaimed newbie, you've certainly got plenty of experience under your belt. You're the yet-to-be-published-writer all aspiring yet-to-be-published-writers should be taking notes from. Also, everyone be sure to follow and harass Mike on Twitter @MikeMyersWriter. Then when he's the next big thing you can say, "I stalked him way back when…"