Thrusty Thursday Vintage: Gregory Peck

I trust this week's thrustee needs no introduction.

Wanting more of that patented Gregory Peck cocked eyebrow action? Watch Roman Holiday. I swear he doesn't set the thing down once the entire movie. Here's its gay-and-giddy fifties-tastic original trailer:

Video love: Fotoshop by Adobé

Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

Delightful!

The Montage from Rocky IV

What a stand-up manfriend I have, to send me the training montage from Rocky IV! And it's not even our anniversary! This clip has it all, everything but meat-punching (see Rocky I). Saw that wood! Pull that sled! Chop that tree! Grow that beard!

Thrusty Thursday: Paul Rudd

No intro—straight into the man-tage. BAM!

Also, did all my fellow beard-lusty working-class-man-coveting she-perverts know Paul Rudd is in a movie called Diggers, in which he digs clams and otherwise spends the whole movie wearing a knit cap and henley while smoking and talks in a Long Island accent all set in the scrappy mid-seventies?! If only it were on Instant Watcher, I'd be enjoying it now, instead of putting this silly post together. I mean, DAMN. It's like I wrote and directed my own ideal p0rno.

Thrusty Thursday: the 2011 All Blacks

In case you missed the memo, I love two things above just about all else: New Zealand, and sweaty, bruised men. So imagine how my heart and loins collided when the All Blacks made it to the 2011 Rugby World Cup final! During the last World Cup in 2007, I nearly wept in the bar when France beat New Zealand in the quarter final. Well, this past Sunday, the All Blacks got their revenge and beat France (in a nail-bitingly, heart-attack-inducingly close, low-scoring game) to take the cup home. [Could it be because France didn't have their gigantic, semi-feral caveman, Sébastien Chabal this year?] Though they didn't have to take it far, since Auckland was hosting. Bonus.

Nice knee bruises, Kieran Read. May I ice those for you?

Now if you're a lady-pervert like me and you've never watched rugby, you are cheating yourself. No sports enthusiasm or rule-appreciation required. Short-shorts, basically no padding, brutish acts of manfulness just like, constantly. Unh. Anyhow, here's some more Kiwi thrust-fodder:

Oh and look, a shot of foxy flanker Kieran Read signing a young fan's jersey. How'd that get in there?

Yet More Video Goodness

If you haven't seen it already, this is so worth a watch. Seriously.

Snerk.

Thrusty Thursday: Bruce McCulloch

There was like an eight-way earworm battle on Twitter yesterday that got first "The Daves I Know" and then "Terriers" in my head, but also reminded me why Bruce was always my favorite Kid in the Hall. So let's get thrusty, the 1990s, Canadian, Brucio way!

Thrusty Thursday: Michael Emerson

I saw an ad for Person of Interest during last weekend's extremely depressing Patriots game, and it reminded me of one of my favorite head-scratch crushes of all time—foxy Napoleonic a-hole Ben Linus from Lost. Sure, I wanted to bang Sayid, but Ben always stuck in my brain like a splinter, well after the biceps faded with the credits.

I bet the actor who played Ben is sick of people pointing at him and shouting, "Hey, it's Ben Linus!" so I'll be respectful and call him Michael Emerson, since that's his name.

And there he was with Ken Leung, a foxy bonus two-for-one! Watch where you stick that bamboo chute, Emerson.

Here's the teaser for Person of Interest (from J.J. Abrams, the creator of Lost):

Friday Night Fu Review: The One

The One ★★ ½

I was prepared to be wowed, but sadly I wasn't.

There was a lot of potential awesome going for The One (2001)—Jet Li, Jason Statham, several more Jet Li multiverse alternate reality clones… And yet it fell flat.

Let's back up, though. Here is what the movie's about, in a nutshell. It's a biggish budget sci-fi action flick, and Jet Li plays the bad guy, a dude who travels through worm holes to assassinate his many other iterations in alternate universes, thus gaining himself superhuman powers en route to becoming The One, a majorly evil unstoppable bad-ass. He also plays the good guy, a mild-mannered martial arts enthusiast cop version of himself, and the final guy the evil Jet Li has to kill to become The One. Jason Statham—never shirtless and with far too much hair on his head for my taste—plays an inter-universal agent, trying to help the good guy and stop the evil guy.

The unbilled star of this movie, for better or worse, was the year it was made—2001. It comes through in the pervasively nouveau cock-rockish post-Marilyn Manson soundtrack, the Matrix-wannabe effects (and affects), in the sheer colorization and cinematography of the thing. Heck, maybe it just wasn't meant to be seen by a viewer for the first time in 2011. But it's dated.

The major issue for me was that this movie lacked the charisma of a more over-the-top, pure martial arts romp (i.e., the original Drunken Master or Ong Bak). Its choreography was solid, stunts decent, star undoubtedly talented…but that magical, borderline wackiness of a true classic was missing, replaced with unconvincing slow-down/speed-up special effects. (In my snotty opinion, a good Kung Fu movie's wow-factor comes from the actors' physicality—the magic is in the "holy shit, did you see that dude flip?" moments, not the "holy shit, did you see that CGI?" moments.) It also could have used a lot more cheek and humor—Li and Statham both have it in them, but sadly, the writers apparently did not.

But I'm being mean, and asking it to be something it never promised it was. I mean, look at the cover—it's clearly at least 50% sci-fi. So here are some pluses to balance out the criticisms. Cool premise. Fast paced. Likable supporting heroine character. Quality stunt double action in the scenes where Li battles himself. Some innovative fight scenes and settings (in addition to some really tired ones). If you like nouveau cock-rock, the perfect soundtrack. An ending that's both sweet and utterly schlocky, utterly Hollywood. But I'm afraid that's about it. Tons of potential, but in the end, a limp-yet-noisy rehash.

Now behold the trailer:

Thrusty Thursday: Laurence Fishurne

So I've been watching a slew of seminal cycling movies in the past week, so-called inspiration and research for a work-in-progress neither me nor my evil twin will yet claim authorship of. But this last weekend we watched a real hum-dinger of the genre—Quicksilver.

It stars Kevin Bacon as a stock trader turned bike messenger, and it is like the eighties filtered through a lens made of pure eighties. I recommend it. Highly. The soundtrack is like…uhn. It also reminded me of a fact one must not let slip from one's daily consciousness—Larry Fishburne is a fucking fox! He may just get my nomination as one of Hollywood's Top Five Foxes of All-Time. Behold his dishiness as it transcends role and age:

Goddamn you and your stern-but-dreamy eyes, Fishburne!

And of course, here's the trailer for Quicksilver (1986). It's slightly more OTT than the actual movie…but only slightly:

Le Jeudi Frotteurible: Melvil Poupaud

My evil twin is awobble about the upcoming release of her man-whore book, so let's go French again this Thursday! Though the story is really just her typed-up perv-o fantasy about sleeping with a broody, Parisian version of David Gandy, I found an authentically French fox to exploit this week—actor Melvil Poupaud. Let's mantage!

And here, watch him speak French! To spare my fellow English-speakers the banality of knowing what he's saying (because who cares, really?) I found a clip with Spanish subtitles. And incidentally, he kisses guys in this movie, if that's your thing. Très uhn!

10 Worst Infomercials Ever

Thanks to the Husbo for this little Wednesday workday pick-me-up:

Thrusty Thursday: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I won't go nuts objectifying this week's thrustee, because I must admit, I'm mildly uncomfortable about the crush. Even after I saw Inception, Joseph Gordon-Levitt was still frozen in my head as his character on 3rd Rock From the Sun, and adorable though he was…uncool. Way uncool. My undersized low-cut pink leopard-print tee-shirt does not rhinestone-sparkle proudly with the proclamation, Cougar! thank you very much.

Then last week I saw Hesher, and it threw my lady-bits into turmoil. No! You're too young! Wrooong!!! But once a Google search revealed he's only a year my junior, I gave myself permission to perv on out.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt…charisma. You has it. Use it wisely.

For your consideration, the movie trailer:

Thrusty Thursday: Huang Xiaoming

It's weeks like this that remind me exactly how tough this job is… There are just way too many good photos of martial artist / actor Huang Xiaoming to choose from. Hardest Thrusty Thursday curation ever…or at least tied with Gandy. But here goes…

Awww, teh pandaz. I couldn't resist. But that's not all—there's more!

Friday Night Fu Review: Ip Man 2

Ip Man 2 ★★★★ 

This is one of those rare cases when the sequel surpasses the original. I didn't actually do a formal review of Ip Man, but it was a good movie. Beautifully filmed and choreographed and starring the super talented Donnie Yen, and yet…it didn't light me on fire. Certainly not the way Ong-Bak did. In my opinion, it was lacking a certain amount of charisma and fun, though there's no doubt is was a solid Kung Fu film.

Ip Man 2 (葉問2:宗師傳奇, 2010) on the other hand, was really exciting. Both films are biographical, telling the story of Ip Man, founder and Grandmaster of the Wing Chun style of Kung Fu, and Bruce Lee's mentor (though Bruce doesn't turn up until the very end of the sequel, in an obnoxious bit of heavy-handed foreshadowing). The second film follows Ip Man's struggles to start his own Kung Fu school in 1950, in the wake of the Japanese invasion of Hong Kong depicted in the first installment. Ip Man is opposed by a bullish collective of established masters in the area, and must win their respect and acceptance if he's to realize his calling and provide for his vulnerable family.

Xiaoming, you are getting

so thrusted on next week…

Amid all this drama, colonial tension is also brewing. The British are causing unrest in Hong Kong with their blustering imperialism, and this manifests itself in the form of Mister Twister. Twister is an über-thug English boxer (played by Mancunian martial artist Darren Shahlavi) who scoffs at Kung Fu and its pint-sized practitioners. Of course this unites the city's schools, and Ip Man has the chance to prove himself a true and worthy master if he can rise to challenge the British brute and avenge the Chinese fighters who have been injured and even killed in the ring.

I thought this movie was really solid, and far more fun than its predecessor. It loses a star for the hyper-precocious Bruce Lee reveal (which could have been so much cooler if handled with a wink instead of a sledge hammer), and some unnecessarily over-the-top Crouching-Tiger-style stunts, which felt out of place in an otherwise passably realistic biopic. But it gets a solid four stars from me, especially since it's got Huang Xiaoming, who is a FOX!

Here's the kick-ass trailer:

Stuff that's awesome: Trailer Park Boys

Just wanted to put in a plug for Trailer Park Boys (2003–2008), the Canadian mockumentary-style comedy centered around the nefarious doings of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park's many residents. The show I think it compares most easily to is Reno 911…but TPB has more continuity and, dare I say it, depth. It's also got the most (and the most effective) running gags of any show I've ever seen, rivaled only perhaps by Arrested Development in quantity and quality. It's all about recurrence. Recurring tertiary characters, recurring jokes, recurring clothes, recurring jail sentences, recurring props (Julian's rum-and-coke, Ricky's car and oversize-hound's-tooth shirt, and Ray's piss jugs come immediately to mind for me). The show's many seasons and specials are all on Netflix Instant Watcher, so if you're a sad, deprived American (like me) do yourself a favor and get yourself hooked, now.

Quick warning—the video's full of swears.

A Thrusty Thursday Mystery: The New Captain Morgan

My real-life pal, erstwhile design compatriot, alpha beta reader, and all around class-act lady-woman, Kramy, nominated this salty dreamboat. Sadly, between the two of us we spent at least a half hour on Google but couldn't figure out who in heck this guy really is. I plead with you, oh wise and merciful interwebs, who plays the new Captain Morgan? He's got Kramy's delicates all in a bunch.

ADDENDUM!!
July 22, we can has rumor! An anonymous commenter suggests the new Captain Morgan may be this guy, actor Josh Burrow. I can neither confirm nor deny, but get thee to teh Googlz! What do you think? Does we has latebreaking news?

Thrusty Thursday: Eric Monjoin

If you like this week's thrustee, thank my real-life pal, romance novel enthusiast, and sometimes French language copy editor, @drpuma. Please join her in thrusting against French model/actor (another Jeudi Frotteurible! Sacré bleu!) Eric Monjoin, aka that dude from the elaborate Heineken ad. Now, let's man-tage!

Okay kids, this clip is an advertisement for alcohol, so don't hit play unless you're of legal age in your country, lest it compromise your morals.