Monday, February 14, 2011

Wooing the Non-Standard Woman

I really hadn't expected a St. Valentine's Day post from myself. But inspiration struck, like a heart-shaped arrowhead into the buttcheek of the blogging lobe of my brain. And so I present to you, my guide to wooing non-standard women. And not just me—I think I speak for a small but not discountable subset of the Western female population, a group of straight ladies in our late-twenties to mid-forties, who proudly own and celebrate our own dopey perversions. So, men enamored of da non-standard womens, my instructions to you:

Step One—Get us flowers, unless you're expressly told not to. These flowers should cost between ten and thirty dollars. If we work outside the home, bring or have them delivered to our office, so that our coworkers will see. This step is patently non-non-standard, but just go with it. If you really don't want to get flowers, buy us a live plant like a decorative cactus, but make sure there is a big pink or red bow on it, so our coworkers know it is a Valentine's cactus.

Step Two—Look nice that evening. Wear that shirt or sweater we picked out for you, and whichever pants cause us to poke your butt the most. Groom your face in the way your lady prefers, be it a super-close shave, two days' stubble, or your beard at its most lumberjacked. Make yourself as doable as possible. Everyone will benefit. Tonight is also a good time to give boxer-briefs a go.

Step Three—Source something hot to watch. Oh yeah, we totally want to stay in. Now don't find something that marketers tell you we want to watch, something with Jennifer Anniston or Hugh Grant in it. Definitely not. We want to watch something ostensibly marketed for men, but actually favored by women due to the way it showcases a cast of beefcakey men in tight and/or scant clothing, quite possibly fighting one another. We're talking the Wolverine movie, 300, a marathon of the 2004 Battlestar Galactica series (especially that episode where Helo and Boomer get it on in the woods on Caprica, in the rain, blam!), Man vs. Wild (I'd prefer Survivorman, but I bow to the popular vote for this post) or my personal favorite of late, Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Especially that fucked up episode with the masks. Do not compare yourself to the men on screen. Just suck it up and hope for some bare boobs to turn up and even things out.

Step Four—Get us drunk. Slowly, though, and not too drunk, or we'll fall asleep, which is not what anyone wants, and which is counterproductive to all that cinematic beefcakery you so thoughtfully procured. I'll leave it to you to figure out what drink your non-standard lady prefers, but I'd advise against cocktails. The sugar crash will work against you. That goes for sweet foods, as well. Save the candies and desserts for later. Instead, try cheese! With the exception of my unfortunate lactose intolerant sisters, we love cheese. But not too much cheese…you know why.

Step Five—Get all physical during the movie / cheese / gradual-drunkening process. Not boob-grabbage-physical (yet), but a nice arm grazing, or invite us to sling our leg over yours, or give us the old arm-around-the-shoulder move (minus the tempting boob-grabbage). Establish yourself as the bringer of nuanced physical pleasure. We're easier to manipulate than we let on.

Step Six—The stuff you and your lady get up to. I'm staying well away from your bedroom door—which is unlike me, as a writer—but you know better than I what Step Six ought to be. Go to it, soldier.

Step Seven—Dinner, which should really come after Step Six, the stuff you and your lady get up to. Dinner is whatever we want. It's possible we'll want to cook, especially if we're feeling rather womanly and grateful and energized, following the successful application of Step Six. If we do cook, make a believably big deal about how delicious the meal is. And since you wisely waited until this point in the evening to cook or order dinner, you're both now free to gorge, and to change into more accomodating pants. Plus if Step Six went well, you're likely needing to regain your strength. Resume Step Three with optional dessert until sleepiness is achieved.

That's it, fellas. We non-standard ladies are relatively cheap and easy to please, no reservations necessary. Best of luck with teh w00ing this Valentine's Day.

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